Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
