I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
