Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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