the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
