Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
where are my eyebrows?
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