Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
