I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
