I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
