I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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