Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Bring me that man meat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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