I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
