The best revenge is premature balding
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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