The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
