i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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