I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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