The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
