You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
