Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
