I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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