This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
