She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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