woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
