Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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