my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
