There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
