i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
