I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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