I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
