um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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