Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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