yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
