My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
