Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
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So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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