I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
