i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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