so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
