anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
