So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
