apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The struggles of a small town man whore