You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment