I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm like, not good at living.