Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
