I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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