remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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