Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
