Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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