at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
