My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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