It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
