don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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