I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
