I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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