Your face is a jimmy john
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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