I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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