OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
