I could make wine with my vomit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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