I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
