dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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