The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
